Leave…

I get the urge to leave a lot. To just get in my car and go. Sometimes I drive for hours, just so that I can leave my troubles behind. I love the way it feels; the air blowing on my face, the cruising, the time to clear my head, the ability… to see more. (exhale)

Something in me is changing or maybe I’m just finding a piece of me that I buried away many years ago when I couldn’t afford to slow down. I haven’t been working. It’s still calling my name, but I needed a break. I was extremely serious about the previous post. Last weekend I started to see the bigger picture. I started to see what my hard work and determination would create. And though I have my ups and downs; I know and firmly believe that I can be successful. It took a great second to even come to this part of my revelation but I’m seriously spring cleaning my soul and my apartment. I’ve been walking around blindly since I graduated. It will be a damn year this May. Crazy. (and I got up to check just to make sure I wasn’t losing my mind). But I mention all this because my heart is vying for my attention. My need for order and peace is busting through the hinges.

I’ve been enjoying the weather, sitting on my balcaony with tea and a good book. Just relaxing. And today I realized I really need to organize my art stuff. It’s everywhere. I have a small place but I have stuff in my kitchen cabinets, under my futon in the living room and my dining area is where my computer is. I have photo stuff tucked away in the hallway closet, in another one I have books, paints and more, then I have a desk in my bedroom that contains more stuff like rulers and etc. But it’s ridiculous. I cannot afford a second bedroom right now so after a week in here its all mayhem and fullishness. But in the midst of it all I realized that I need a clean, organized work space. I will just have to pick up whatever I do the night before and put it away. I can’t let it get ridiculous in here.

But besides all that my spirit is just regrouping. I’m refilling my brain and heart with positivity. Working and reading books like, “Think and Grow Rich”, by Napoleon Hill. Amongst the photography books, inspirational success stories, and educational info, I’m just preparing myself. It’s bout to initially start; I think after my bday… MAY 27 🙂 It seems far but time goes fast… like I said, a year! It has been successful. A lot has happened. But I’m content, grateful, and just ready to proceed. So… I’ll do some updates in between… I’ll probably post notes… just info I come across that I think is important.

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Spring Cleaning

I do not have the pleasure of knowing a lot of artist on a personal basis. So as I take on this artistic journey, I’m doing so from the very beginning stages. I do have a degree in photography and have been exposed to many different art mediums; But that does not make me “educated” or great. Though I have the AA, I’m not the brightest crayon in the box. Yes, I know a few things but I can’t tell you every vocabulary term for photography and I still haven’t wrapped my head around “exposure equations.” As I embark on this journey, I’m starting from scratch.

In the last couple of weeks I’ve realized what it will take for me to get to my mountain top. And let me tell you I lost my mind in trying to figure it out…

It can be difficult to find someone to relate to artistically. Someone with whom you can genuinely share a healthy artful relationship; Encouraging, and helping each other out. I believe it’s important to have some one their to tell you where you can improve and encourage you to do your best, push you to excel, and remind you to believe in yourself.

Us artist are EMOTIONAL! At least I am. Which means I need to look into art community groups on line because I’m not trying to end up like Edgar Allen Poe or Van Gogh. I don’t want there to be any debate on whether or not I cut my ear off (wtheck). And this is where I mention, after losing my mind, I finally had my epiphany.

I became frustrated with my art the other day and I realized that my art is the last thing that should be making me want to pull my hair out. Why do it? Why attempt to if its going to make me feel horrible? But I didn’t let the thought linger, I brushed it away because I know I can never walk away from it. But why was I upset? This may sound crazy, but hey, I believe us artist have deep souls. We see things differently, we feel things with heightened senses. We notice the little things: like the way the leaves blow, and how the wind feels when it brushes our skin, we see this connection to another dimension. We feel inclined to tell its story, in one form or another, we try. We try to find the light with in. So… I realized my light was dim. It wasn’t connecting to my art. I was losing the connection; my ability to see.

This didn’t happen over night. I had allowed it to slip away from me years ago. I was reading Oprah’s magazine (I’m not her biggest fan but the poetry issue was really good.) and they did an interview with Mary Oliver. She is an amazing poet, you must read “The Journey”, AmAzing. But at the end of her interview I just felt my spirit open. My spirit is my compass, my eye, my ability to do my art. And to read Mary Oliver’s story was truly inspiring. She made me remember why it is I do what I do. Why I am who I am. It truly touched me.

In conclusion, I realized my spirit needs loving. It needs to breathe… it needs me. I don’t want to lose this connection. I want to grow old and be able to inspire many. To have a heart, a spirit, that shines brilliantly. In order to be TRUE to my art, I need a TRUE connection with my spirit.

Olisa Rachele
BeautifullyODD

The reason I smile in the end…

God is teaching me a lot about myself. He is molding, pruning, healing, fixing… ME. I say all this because I had a crazy week at work and a very progressive week in my Art.

Work… whatever. If you ever worked in an office I’m sure you already know! But the reason I mention it is because I know that at the end of the day, I can’t let NO one steal my thunder. Work will always be just work. You have to do it! I NEED my paycheck! So, we put up wit it cause we have to survive. I’m willing to continue to do and magnify my best. Bottom line…

sO with all that mess to the side coming home was like heaven! hahahaha And let me tell you I am so proud to say that my earrings were a success! I’m really excited to continue on with that project. Trust me, it was not planned. I have two paintings going, photos to edit, and tutorials that I need to really dig deep in.

The EARRINGS: I purchased a ring years ago that had tiny stone settings. Well, all the stones fell out. I had planned years ago to fill in the gaps with polymer clay. Well as I was messing around with the clay… I got the earring idea. So I have been making my own beads.

Paintings: one is still in progress and the other one is staring at me blankly… (don’t know what I want to do with it.)

What made me really smile today is that I went and bought more supplies. Couldn’t afford to but had the itch. I spent $19.94 on paint, five batches of clay, two canvas’ and one tiny box of sterling earring hooks. (figured i’d buy the expensive box of sterling hooks then the big box which was cheaper and had more hooks so that I could improve quality. at least in the long run.) I saved $9.94. It may sound crazy to be excited over my savings and purchases but I decided that today is the day I save my receipt. And for all those business owners… you know what I mean. It’s going on the wall! I do not have my business license yet but it will all work out in time.

So, this weekend will be very productive. Much to do. A painting to finish, earrings to mold and bake, research and studying, photos to edit and some tutorials to work on.

(keep ya posted)
Olisa Rachele
BeautifullyODD

(suppose to be posted on Friday) didn’t have time to take pics

Gold

At what point, does one notice, their life has gone array?
At what point, do they close their eyes, ignoring their inner conscience; and embracing their old ways?
At what point in time, do they realize that, that one little thing would set off a course of chain reactions, which would then effect and become the sum of their own life.

Granted, we are all aloud re-starts, but to obtain one we have to learn something empirically beyond our own reach and grasp. Their it dangles, like a bee spreading its pollen. So dangerously close, like warm honey poured onto your heart.

At which moment did I fuck up all this to begin with. If I was given a choice in any of this, I’d like to know, to which point did I so EPICALLY screw the fuck up. It would be nice to know. I get the whole, “we, us humans, don’t need to know nor understand life’s secrets,” and that “faith… in the end is all we need”. But sometimes, I’d like to have a damn guide book. Yes, the bible… but I’m talkin about an answer or a sign, a yes or a no. A clear concise answer. Is that hard to do? Are us humans undeserving of a simple yes or no? I get it, we’d get lazy, and their for fail and I also get that the way things are… are just fucking perfect! I get it. But just so you know God, a guide book of some sort, a brain, that doesn’t tend to forget, worry, doubt and so much more would have been a little helpful for this conquest you so eagerly placed on my heart! EXHALE!!!

At what point do I allow my self to look away from the obvious and and find myself lost again. At what point do I willingly decide to not do what I know is right… and therefor stand where I am now. Was it because I didn’t wash the first dish I threw in the sink, or because I left my shoes by the front door or decided to go and purchase another pack of cigs. Or was it when I decided that what was important was no longer even a thought. So now the third dish is in the sink, another pair of shoes by the door, this time I dropped the mail, and o shit… i’m out of cigs. How many pairs of shoes are by the door now? five. How many miscellaneous pairs of clothing are littered from my bathroom to my bedroom? Tons. How man decisions did I partake in that so willing caused me to feel the effects today? I lost count.

I’m at that point, I need a re-start. But what will I do with it. Trash it like the others, or cherish it like Gold.

just let it go and be HAPPY

Do you ever think too much? I do. I think way too damn much. My “thinking” to much causes anxiety. It would be the death of me if I didn’t know any better. I need to adopt this “live in the moment” attitude. Just let shit go and don’t let it fester and pester with in me. I’m serious… when does one know to just stop. I’m at that point right now but it’s taken the whole day to come to this realization. Just Stop! Say screw it.

I created a bad painting yesterday and from there my whole world went cockide. I started wondering, doubting, being all emo… and I can’t take that shit. It’s so damn annoying. And I’ve tried to explain away the feelings by rationalizing each and every mood, feeling, and thought. It’s this worm whole! I swear, I hate it!

And to be honest, I know that not every painting will be a success. I know that there will be bumps in the road. But my mind seems to forget and all common sense flies out the window. I think that’s why I had said that by me letting go of this dream, I could feel more at ease in enjoying the journey. If I can stop focusing on the bigger picture so much and just enjoy the little things I do to get there, I could be a lot happier.

ugh… on a more chipper note… I sold my first painting today. SEE… I have no reason to feel the way I do. I should be proud. And I am. I am grateful, and it has given me much hope and the ability to believe in myself. (though I sometimes want to scream and cry when I f one up). I handed it over and teared up. A piece of me was leaving.

As I’ve mentioned before… to harbor a dream is indeed a catch 22. At least for me. I can be my own worst enemy. I seriously need to learn to let shit go. Don’t feed into my sickening thoughts. And just do what I got to do. I just want to be happy and enjoy the process. That’s all that matters. (o how easily us humans forget)

Olisa Rachele

(and i just took a project out of the oven. tried to make some polymer clay earrings… kinda burned… oops. maybe i can polish em up but i mos def need to try again… hum??? have faith and believe in thy self!)

thank you God

I am finally feeling happy, despite other issues in my life that I refuse to let drown me. I recognize my faults and know that I need to seriously work on them. To dream is a catch 22. You are always fighting for your piece of the cake. You are in control of that dream… Not to say that your dream isn’t in God’s hands but what you do to obtain that dream is the result of your actions. You can be lazy and do nothing and it will slip away as quickly as the New Year comes to an end. (It’s already APRIL!) Or you can be courageous and take action and end up achieving more than you ever imagined.

As I approach this new transition of my life, I realize that in many ways, it has just begun… I pray, hope and plead that I can stand up and do my part. In order to make the necessary changes in your life, you sometimes have to take a serious hard look in the mirror; A look that we sometimes never want to face. You have to embrace it… except it, and learn from it. And I hope that I can learn before I fall back into that 10ft grave.

Some people have been through hell and back just to claim their piece of the cake. Look at Tyler Perry for example. He was living in his car, trying time after time to make his dream come true. And finally, it worked. I admire a person’s will to achieve a dream that has so much effervescence.

I can admit… I’m getting scared. Not so much scared of failure… but scared that I will lose this spark in me that is just now starting to glow. I had done an art series about my heart and its existence a few months ago. I questioned it’s cracks, it’s pain, and whether or not I even had one. And if I had one, why couldn’t I feel it, and how do I get God’s love to heal it.

I’m still working on my heart, but now that I see it glowing, I want to try my damndest to not let my light go out.

(I stood in the bathroom stall at work, taking in all of this, praying. Please God, help me be wise about the decisions I make. I’ve come so far, and only because of you. Please continue to guide me, love me, and nurture me. I’m afraid your going to do something crazy… like you’ve got some huge empirical growth experiment. I know you know what’s best for me. And I truly love you and thank you for everything. Inhale exhale… lets do this… I know not to dwell on this worry, anxiety, doubt, and fear, but believe in your strength in me.) THANK YOU GOD

Spring is finally here…

Spring is finally showing its beautiful face… and let me tell you… the feeling is surreal. While at work I spent some time writing some poetry. It really helped since I was knee deep in my perplex-ia. When I came home… I finally saw my evening for its real potential. It’s not like I don’t come home, work and get stuff done but today when I walked in the door I was like, “hummm, what do I want to do.” Spring is one of the most beautiful seasons and it makes me feel like anything and everything is possible. Especially this year. I think it’s because I am finally able to see and enjoy life. When your runnin around, back and forth to school, work, and doing things for family… you kinda live a blinded life.

BUT NOT THIS YEAR. The sun is nourishing my soul and to see the light is very encouraging. So what do I want to do today?

(pondering the idea)
1. I want to work on my tutorials.
2. Work in my art journal which helps me formulate my ideas and work through my craziness.
3. I have a board in my room that is still half empty and it’s suppose to home some of my ideas and inspiration.
4. I REALLY WANT TO TRY SOMETHING IN ILLUSTRATOR… granted I have not finished my tutorials which is even more encouraging for me to get to work… but i want to start making designs. I can’t wait to be able to do that. That is going to be AWESOME!!!
5. I have photos I have to edit for my cousin… and I have photos that I still have not touched from my trip to napa…
6. Eventually crack open one of those business books that were stashed in my car for years. It’s been in the back of mind to start with the personal / small business finance one. I’m a starving artist and maybe it can help me get my own money straight. That way I can put my money towards my business and be able to afford film / developing, fabric, paint, canvases and soooooo much more. (can u dig it?)
7. read bible and meditate

so… I better get started.

Day 31

Today is the last day of the month… the last day to my 31 days of March. Though some what unsuccessful, it was successful in all the right ways. And let me tell you, today was bitter-sweet; And I’m not talkin about the wine tasting segment.

I went to Napa for the first time today and spent it with some great friends. We seriously had a blast. (Photo’s to come later. It’s late and it’s time for bed.) But what made this day bitter-sweet was the meeting I had with a fellow photographer.

His advice and wisdom was greatly cherished. SERIOUSLY! But as always, when I left, I felt extremely perplexed. In need of comfort, reassurance, faith, motivation, love, and so much more. It wasn’t so much as the doubt that was eating away at me but the realization that the next phase of my life as an artist is a phase in which I relentlessly pursue my dreams.

I know this sounds tried and cliche. I can be sorta of a repeat button. But hear me out… This morning when I picked up my prints for my meeting… (I was already dressed from head to toe, make up on and feeling extremely confident. And as I have mentioned before, confidence has been a great struggle for me.) But on my way home to meet up with my friends, I remembered the little kid that was scared, yet had dreams as big as the North Star, desperately wanting to be happy, confident, artsy, and “in control of her life”. I felt this connection. It’s hard to explain… but today I felt like the woman I dreamt of being when I was that little girl.

To hear the words my photographer friend had to say made me realize what it’s truly going to take to get to the play offs. His advice was exactly what I needed to hear. (will post some of his advice when I post pictures)

But in all this 31 days has been quite revealing. I know I can’t give up, I told doubt to go screw him self, and I’m just more than ready to commit and do my part.
Olisa Rachele