When Everything Seems Fucked Up

I can’t believe I haven’t posted since February 3rd. And it’s now a week from May.

Things were going well for a while… I had been reading books about blogging, sewing on my machine and working on some graphic design pieces. Granted, I was  intimidated by my goals for the blog, and still am.  But then random deaths, and visitors, work crap, and interviews, and doubts and fears started to take over and everything just stopped.

Regardless of my reasons for stopping… I did. I even think I remember the exact moment. I was in the middle of sewing a purse when another failed attempt struck me kind of hard. Plus I was slightly intimidated by what a psychic had told me. (I’ll get back to that.) But I remember wanting to finish it, knowing I needed to jump back on the horse and just keep pushing despite the fail.

But instead of pushing on I let it sit there on the floor and found my self having to clean it all up and put it away till a more suitable time. Of course I’ve had plenty of opportunities since then but instead, I’ve talked myself out of every opportunity… Thinking that I wasn’t ready to give it the time it needed.

And even now the time doesn’t feel right. I’ve been poking at my sketch book here and there, tucking quotes away, going through bins of paper, trying to find some sort of motivation. But truth be told, it ain’t there.

And my life still feels like a tornado whipped through it. Even now, when my heart aches I admit I don’t want to, even though I know I should, even though I know I need to. Art has always been a healing thing for me and I’ve just been hiding from it… intimidated… not wanting my artistic attempts to hurt me either.

When I started this blog, my intentions were to be honest. Even when I can’t move, when I don’t know how to push forward and believe in myself: My intentions are to be able to freely express that and push past all of it, in hopes of inspiring us all to find the strength to push pass these types of debilitating moments.

I’m always so intimidated in pursuing this whole blogging thing, setting goals and then feeling like I can’t keep them. It’s not that I want to set the bar low or anything but I’m trying to find my own unique way to make this work for me. And the only way I know how to do that is by being my self. By being completely honest and raw with you. Because honestly this is the only place I do feel comfortable being my self.

So right now, when everything in my life “seems” pretty fucked up, I’m choosing to begin again.

I sorta have to at this point. At 32 years old I don’t have kids or a husband to tend to. I don’t even have a great body of work to stand behind, I just have my hopes and dreams and everything I’ve learned throughout the years. Out of all the times I could have given up, in high school, in my early twenties chasing after worthless boys, or when i nearly dropped out of college. I pushed through it all and chose to never give up. And that’s why now, when everything seems pretty shity and my heart is beating through my chest, and my anxiety takes my breath away, I choose to begin again. No one can take that away from you no matter how hard they try.

With much love,

BEautifullyODD

 

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