Day 10

rise from the occasion…

I’ve been knee deep in bullshit for the past week. And when I step back and asses the situation I can actually find it humorous. It’s funny how we put ourselves in situations to only in the end realize that all this could have been prevented if you would have done a, b, and c. It’s so easy to get side tracked… to jump so willingly into the rabbit hole.

I can say I’m learning that this discipline thing is not so easy. Why is it so hard to implement change in our lives? I would think that if you deemed it necessary and vital to your existence you’d have all the motivation you’d ever need to make the change. For example, smoking, we know its bad but its more than the nicotine that makes you want to pick up another one. And another example, food, you want to diet but you’d rather eat the Girl Scout cookies and maybe work out another day.

Change is inevitable. I think its sad when you hear people say people can’t change. Change is an ongoing process, it never stops; from the time on the clock changing every second to the new technology being created everyday. I guess I’ve sorta forgotten why all this is important. Distracted and concerned with garbage and doubting myself once again in my capabilities. I must be afraid to change? But why?

Something is stopping me, is it my ignorance, laziness, my fear of the unknown… what the hell is stopping me? ME. Why do we stand in our own way? How do we tell ourselves, “Hey Self, get out the fucking way.” I started this because I was tired of the excuses and I feel like everyday has been an excuse. I need a major dose of ambition.

Ambition, defined in my Heritage Dictionary, says it is “A strong desire to achieve something.” I have the desire… though its been wavering. But it’s time for it to be STRONG!

I’m strong… but in the wrong way. I have this armor I’m wearing that keeps me in attack mode. I need to let it go. I need to be strong in my will to achieve my dreams, not to kick someone’s ass if they screw with me. (I’ll keep it tucked to the side incase of emergencies but you get the drift)

I want to be AMBITIOUS. I did finish the first book of the bible, Genesis… I KNOW! It’s a huge deal for me because it’s taken 25 years to do so. But my point in saying this is that I need to keep my eyes and heart on God. I need to look deep with in and focus on my faith and spirituality. It’s the only way my ambition will grow so that I can make the necessary changes in my life.

But then again… my strength is a derivitave of me wanting to kick ass. Me having the the balls / faith to jump! It’s my GI Jane spirit.