I am so excited to announce that I have finally purchased my first sewing machine. Though I am not new to sewing, I have very limited experience with using a machine. Four years ago I signed up for a beginner sewing class but had to drop it as I found a new job and the hours conflicted. But in that class, I barely learned how to thread a machine or wind a bobbin. I only got as far as sewing a few basic stitches, so trust me when I say, I am definitely out of my depth.
So why did I buy a sewing machine? And not just a simple $100 machine. First off I wanted to make sure that when the time comes the body can handle sewing upholstery fabrics and leather. If I just wanted to sew clothes and quilts I wouldn’t have minded a basic machine but most of them can’t handle sewing through many thick layers of fabric. So I thought that it would be worth the investment to get the Janome HD1000.
But back to why… Believe it or not it was actually my dad that showed me how to hand sew and before i knew it I was sewing clothes for my barbies and dolls. One christmas my parents got me one of those kid sewing machines and I was so happy. I remember it was white with a red carry case. I loved that thing. But for some reason it jammed or broke like my damn microscope my mom got me one year. And there we were returning it but they had run out of replacements and that was it.
I mention all this as it was my grandmother who encouraged my creative interest. She saw it in me before anyone else did. I didn’t just buy it because of her. I didn’t just buy it so I can sew a few pajama pants, or skirts and perhaps a quilt… I didn’t even just buy it to make grocery bags or to design leather hand bags or to use the scraps of fabric I’ve been saving for years. I bought it because it was the first thing in a long time to truly excite me. Because I’m tired of putting it on the back burner. Worst case scenario is I get to make some botched pajama pants and can re-sell the machine for a pretty penny. The best case scenario, i learn how to wind the bobbin and thread it and actually make something.
I have so much to learn and am so excited, it has been a long time coming.
I was taking a look back at one of my first sketchbooks when I decided I would throw all inhibitions aside and commit to completing it. My most recent just has scribbles of love affairs and hopes and dreams, more of a journal than an actual art book. I have accepted that that’s what it wants to be. An inner perspective of all things real and yet want to run a way from. I say all this as I want to start a new one… It may not seem like a big deal but it kinda is to me. They each represent a transformation, a beginning and an end. But looking back has given me hope. Much needed hope as I want to turn my scribbles and pain into my best work. I dug the already reserved book out of storage and dusted it off. It still smells fresh, untouched and still in perfect condition. I hope this time not only my heart pours out onto it; But my soul.
My power feels leached and drained. I have been giving it away to irrelevant love affairs, my fears and doubts. It’s not that I haven’t accomplished a few things here and there but as usual I don’t give my self credit most of the time and I am not satisfied with where I am artistically. I want more.
I desperately need to reconnect to my inner power. And not just connect with it but nourish it daily. It’s not that I don’t know what to do. Yoga, wake up and “get up” instead of lounging around all day until it’s time for me to go to work, and organizing my life so that I’m not stressing my self out because I’m continuously procrastinating.
I know I have power. Trust me, I have an irrevocable force of it, and so do you. I’m just feeling a bit guilty as I haven’t been putting it to use. I’ve been out of school for two years and though I relaunched the blog it pales in comparison in what I want to actually do with it and with my art. There are no more excuses, no more fears even, that can stop me from admitting that I have been giving it all away to the wrong things.
If you don’t know you have power I encourage you to look deep within and tap into it. And if your like me and you know you have it… I encourage you to find some perspective, actually ask yourself what your power has been feeding. It’s time to harness the power within, to nourish it and put it to use.
People are hurting. I feel so much empathy for those experiencing such rude and awful discrimination. My heart breaks. The only hope I can give is to remind all of you that we have a right to achieve our “American” Dream. Do not waste it. Embrace it and be proud of your efforts. Do not run ashamed. Do not fear. You do not stand alone. And I will not stand idly by as bystander. And regardless of your country, continue to fight for your right to dream. I can’t imagine the hate people are experiencing but let that shit be your motivation to rise higher. I can’t let my anger and sadness get the best of me. So today as I was leaving the pharmacy at Kaiser I decided to purchase a bouquet of silver dollar eucalyptus. I say this to suggest a trip to the local park, some time away from the news is what we need. We need to reconnect to hope, to nature. Tap into it.
To all races, men and woman, LGBT, and religions I stand by you.