I woke up at 4am this morning. Decided, what the heck, call your checking account. And wa la… I got paid. I laid there in bed, grateful and wondering if I should go ahead and get the hell up. “No, I can sleep for another 30minutes… or no… just get up because if you go back to sleep it’s going to be even harder to get up. And if you do get up… you’ll have time to go to IHOP for breakfast.” I laid there weighing my options. Pondering my future. The warmth of the sheets and the softness of my pillows comforting my anxieties. “Just get up, so what if your tired by lunch… start the day.”
I moved slowly… trying to find my towel, stepping over shoes and dirty clothes and Kleenex. I glanced in the mirror… but didn’t stop… I didn’t want to see myself. Showered, messed with my uncontrollable hair and got dressed. When I finally did look in the mirror after a morning cig and reading a couple of inspirational quotes I surprisingly smiled.
Two eggs… sunny side up, hash browns, bacon, coffee and pancakes. What more could a girl want after eating cans of green beans and what ever else I could find because I ran out of money way before the end of the month even approached. Sounds contradictive I thought. I said I wouldn’t spend my money hastily and waste it on things that are not important. And I’m not trying to make excuses, but breakfast was well deserved. It was needed. It was peaceful, the only one in IHOP at 6am, the only one watching the sun rise outside as I jotted down my feelings in a sketch book.
As I said before the month of February has been quite hectic. Here and there and back again. The month of March will be here tomorrow and today I must spend the last day of the month preparing for my little adventure. No more excuses. Well, I will buy my $6 water colors BUT that’s it. I don’t sound to enthused about this… I’m in this odd state of peace. No anger or fear. Just at peace.
I have been a little vague about what this 31days really entails. It’s just me changing my life and forming personal and creative habits that will help me become a more accountable adult and better artist. It’s my finances: not running out of money by the 12 and making sure I put money aside for gas and food. It’s my ability to take control of my actions and say no. It’s my need to get in shape and feel confident in my own skin (I hate tugging at my shirt because my belly looks like it’s got a ‘good-year’ tire rapped around it). It’s me working on my art and not getting discouraged and enjoying the process. It’s me forming a routine that works with my schedule so that I can not only start my day and get to work on time but to come home and work on my own business. It’s me learning about other artist and reading books. It’s me building my confidence in my dreams and a relationship with God.
31 days… I am smiling. I have a plan… now its time to implement it.
ps… to all of you seeking change and chasing your dreams… much love