At what point, does one notice, their life has gone array?
At what point, do they close their eyes, ignoring their inner conscience; and embracing their old ways?
At what point in time, do they realize that, that one little thing would set off a course of chain reactions, which would then effect and become the sum of their own life.
Granted, we are all aloud re-starts, but to obtain one we have to learn something empirically beyond our own reach and grasp. Their it dangles, like a bee spreading its pollen. So dangerously close, like warm honey poured onto your heart.
At which moment did I fuck up all this to begin with. If I was given a choice in any of this, I’d like to know, to which point did I so EPICALLY screw the fuck up. It would be nice to know. I get the whole, “we, us humans, don’t need to know nor understand life’s secrets,” and that “faith… in the end is all we need”. But sometimes, I’d like to have a damn guide book. Yes, the bible… but I’m talkin about an answer or a sign, a yes or a no. A clear concise answer. Is that hard to do? Are us humans undeserving of a simple yes or no? I get it, we’d get lazy, and their for fail and I also get that the way things are… are just fucking perfect! I get it. But just so you know God, a guide book of some sort, a brain, that doesn’t tend to forget, worry, doubt and so much more would have been a little helpful for this conquest you so eagerly placed on my heart! EXHALE!!!
At what point do I allow my self to look away from the obvious and and find myself lost again. At what point do I willingly decide to not do what I know is right… and therefor stand where I am now. Was it because I didn’t wash the first dish I threw in the sink, or because I left my shoes by the front door or decided to go and purchase another pack of cigs. Or was it when I decided that what was important was no longer even a thought. So now the third dish is in the sink, another pair of shoes by the door, this time I dropped the mail, and o shit… i’m out of cigs. How many pairs of shoes are by the door now? five. How many miscellaneous pairs of clothing are littered from my bathroom to my bedroom? Tons. How man decisions did I partake in that so willing caused me to feel the effects today? I lost count.
I’m at that point, I need a re-start. But what will I do with it. Trash it like the others, or cherish it like Gold.