Do you ever think too much? I do. I think way too damn much. My “thinking” to much causes anxiety. It would be the death of me if I didn’t know any better. I need to adopt this “live in the moment” attitude. Just let shit go and don’t let it fester and pester with in me. I’m serious… when does one know to just stop. I’m at that point right now but it’s taken the whole day to come to this realization. Just Stop! Say screw it.

I created a bad painting yesterday and from there my whole world went cockide. I started wondering, doubting, being all emo… and I can’t take that shit. It’s so damn annoying. And I’ve tried to explain away the feelings by rationalizing each and every mood, feeling, and thought. It’s this worm whole! I swear, I hate it!

And to be honest, I know that not every painting will be a success. I know that there will be bumps in the road. But my mind seems to forget and all common sense flies out the window. I think that’s why I had said that by me letting go of this dream, I could feel more at ease in enjoying the journey. If I can stop focusing on the bigger picture so much and just enjoy the little things I do to get there, I could be a lot happier.

ugh… on a more chipper note… I sold my first painting today. SEE… I have no reason to feel the way I do. I should be proud. And I am. I am grateful, and it has given me much hope and the ability to believe in myself. (though I sometimes want to scream and cry when I f one up). I handed it over and teared up. A piece of me was leaving.

As I’ve mentioned before… to harbor a dream is indeed a catch 22. At least for me. I can be my own worst enemy. I seriously need to learn to let shit go. Don’t feed into my sickening thoughts. And just do what I got to do. I just want to be happy and enjoy the process. That’s all that matters. (o how easily us humans forget)

Olisa Rachele

(and i just took a project out of the oven. tried to make some polymer clay earrings… kinda burned… oops. maybe i can polish em up but i mos def need to try again… hum??? have faith and believe in thy self!)