Month: September 2010

today was a DOOZIE

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SO… I can’t even begin to explain nor do I want to. But I do know this.

What ever my issues I will not let it define me. I will stand strong and continue to pursue my every goal. I had to face something that I’ve been avoiding for a really long time. But just because I have an issue or two, it doesn’t or won’t change who I really am.

Wow… I didn’t know what I was signing up for when I started this. Not just my commitment to the blog, but the commitment to myself.

I am seriously growing up. I’m not knocking it at all, its about time. But with it, I’ve realized a lot about myself.

I know I’m always saying I will never give up. I can’t. But I have to follow this change, I have to continue on this path because when I reach the end of the tunnel their will be something magnificent at the end.

And let me tell you, when I start art school, I will be a force to be reckoned with.

To all of you, no matter what life throws at you, stand tall and strong. Don’t give up. I hope you all find happiness and pursue your every dream.

love me

i can’t help but feel happy…

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2:23am in the morning and the sky is a solemn orange. It should be black, stars a flame, but it’s not. It’s o’ so beautiful. It speaks to me… telling me how blessed I truly am. As stated in my previous blogs, I never loved myself. But tonight, I do. And believe me… it may seem that my life is or can be perfect. That I have my ducks in a row… but I never have. I’ve been lost in my confusion.

Things are never perfect. Maybe for three seconds, like now. But I know, we all should know, that when the tough times pass… we can come back to the best moments of our lives.

Yes, I can admit, I’m tipsy, but in the morning, when the sun rises, I can stand by what I write because this is who I truly am.

Love me or hate me… for the first time in my life I went out to a club and regardless of all the skinny bitches in their short dresses whom seem mighty desperate… I DIDN’T GIVE A FUCK!!!!

Like I’ve said before, maybe what I say isn’t for you, but if you ever doubted yourself then please hear me now and realize that we are all beautiful. (even them skinny broads who got they ass’s hangin out they dress’).

When I came home, I had an epiphany, and yet I was faced with doubt. Doubt that I couldn’t really achieve my wildest dreams.

But, tonight, after feeling like a million bucks, I was able to realize that God has something beautiful planned for me. And I promise to my friends, family and everyone else, that tonight is only the beginning of something BEAUTIFULLYodd; me.

i love you all.
xoxo.
oli

First Thing First… hum???

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I’ve been back for six days now and though I’ve had a few life changing experiences, my old ways are trying to sprout like weeds. But my experiences are now apart of the solid foundation I was desperately trying to build and I can honestly say I feel very excited about my future endeavors. I’m not going to lie, I still have much work to do on that foundation. (For those of you who don’t know, you can’t build a house on sand.) Let’s say that the concrete truck has arived and I’ve got a prime piece of real estate right next door to God. 🙂

But them sneaky weeds or seeds of doubt were trying to knock me off my game and I just can’t have that anymore. While listing to Kanye’s “Power”, (on repeat again) at work, my mind started spittin out ideas on how I can do this and that or create and make this or sell that. But ideas cost money. Atleast mine do and for a second there, I was getting discouraged. But because my battery was super charged over my vacation, I was able to say that I need to learn to be content.

Yes, as humans we want things and the media would try to sell you the sun and moon if they could. But, the bottom line is that I need to be content with what I have now. I need to use my resources to the best of my capabilities and make something beautiful come from it. I could buy a hundred things that would help me get my product line where I’d like it to be. But I could be doing a hundred and one things inorder to start it.

Southern Comfort: the end

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I paced around my grandmothers backyard, holding my niece. The trees reaching the clouds in the sky. Soft water color pinks and blues painted the yard. Dreaming of the future, hoping that one day; she will stand strong and tall. Tears filled my eyes. A passion I can not describe. I was overwhelmed with love, with hope, and faith. I never had confidence in myself, and to hold my five month year old niece was like holding a piece of the future. I wanted her to know, how much I truly loved her. And that life can sometimes be hard but that no matter what, her family would be there to love her. I learned what it is to love; To have hope and faith as we desperately try to achieve our hearts desires.

I realized that no matter my weight, looks, oddness, or hair cut, it can not determine who I am on the inside. I am more than what I think I am. I don’t care anymore about whether I look cute or whether I have achieved someone’s merit standards. I am me. And honestly, that’s hard to say considering I let some one cut all my damn hair off. I look at myself in the mirror and I see a girl that wants to be a woman. I see a free spirited individual with a fire that burns so deeply inside that it can set the sky a flame.

I came home, in search of breaking down my walls. When I was living with my parents, there were bars on my bedroom windows and I truly hated it. I felt trapped, like a prisoner. I wanted a taste of life, and still do. I wanted to rip life a new one and laugh in its face as I basked in its glory.

And NOW, at this very moment, I know that when tomorrow’s sun rises, I will embrace every second of it. I will stand tall and take life in my hands and make the very best future for not only my self, but my family.

Thank you,
love,
Olisa Rachele :*

Southern Comfort Part 2

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The wind blows in my face… there is this odd mixture of old and new in this aged town. Between the parts of trees are old shacks; lakes and swamps with trees sprouting from them. Homes that look like the purple Polly pocket house my uncle bought me when I was six. Even the the clouds and sun seem brighter. Plantation land. Homes that are aged seem to want to fall apart, but they tell a story of the past.

My family owns property that stretches a mile and half long. The land and trees try to talk to you. The trees are a deep forest green with golden yellow sparkled leaves and have magnificent animal like shapes. Butterflies of all colors dance at their feet. Something deep burns in me. A passion, a determination. This moment can not be forgotten. Roads that stretch as far as the eye can see. I was meant to be here to see this aged world. In the past, my motivation seemed to be running on low. I’ve been recharged in some spiritual way.

Our family history is as old as the land. I have a dream that brings me to tears. Something, someone, God, my ancestors are telling me to achieve more. I met a man, Preal Frye, today. My family and I went and visited his famous garden that people from around the country travel to see. And as most say, he believes that you have to work hard in order to achieve your dreams. It takes blood, sweat, tears, and more than eight hours a day to achieve them. “I can do this”, I think to my self. It’s not coincidence I heard this man speak today.

My family believes in me and because of that I have to believe in myself. Fear can no longer be apart of my vocabulary. I sit here contemplating what all this means, knowing that when I come home, life can not go on as it once did. I can easily shrug my experiences here; I can come home and do the same old things, but now, I have found new meaning.

I didn’t expect for all this to happen. I had hoped for a second that my paradigm would shift but it was over-ran by my immature feelings about coming out here in the first place. I was adopted. But I have been very blessed and fortunate to be a apart of this family. Regardless of who I am, I know that I have a family that loves me as if I were there own flesh and blood. Something that may be irrelevant to many of you is something that makes me different and unconventional. Through them and the life I’ve lived, to this day, has shaped me into who I am now.

I am strong: I am capable of tremendous creativity. I am able to achieve my every dream. I can not be scared , I can not forget once I get back home, that all of my beautifully odd dreams can be achieved. I am somebody. I am Olisa Rachele and I will give my 127% in all of my future endeavors.

love me, Olisa Rachele
My past can no longer hold me down…

Southern Comfort

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At first I was dreading the idea of coming out here to South Carolina. Sumter, South Carolina that is. I couldn’t remember the last time I was out here. And that was seven years ago. I had graduated from high school and was in my first year of college. But now, as an adult, a grown woman, I can appreciate the finer things of life. Family and lets not forget, food. There is nothing like my grandmas black eye peas and rice. Fried pork chops, green beans, and to finish it off, lemon meringue pie. I would have never tired lemon meringue pie or grits with stewed tomato sauce unless my grandmother made it. Questioning the tast of food is of no concern.

The crickets and birds chirping, the wind blowing in the trees makes this feel like home. The sad thing is, how much longer will it be. I need to learn how to cook my grandma’s food, it’s the only thing I can take back with me… Besides my memories and photos. White plush carpets and the smell of grandma lingers around the house. It’s a smell that I can’t truely describe; maybe its, perfume, food, and flowers. Stories of the past fill the air at the dining room table. Though there is laughter, what scares me is that death, wants to make its presence. I shut down at the idea of it. My grandfather was diagnosed with bone cancer and is suffering with mild dimensia. My grandmother hopelessly checks on him in the afternoon; making sure that he is still breathing. I’m scared to myself. It’s noon time and he still hasn’t awaken. One o’clock in the afternoon the music plays from the clock. The house is silent. And so am I.

Filled with complaints yesterday and the week leading up to this. I seem to be as silent as the house righ now. Everyone is gone, but the moment is right. I think she is ready. I think my grandmother is holding this last extravaganza, a huge party, with a commedian, music and dancing as a farewell. A life well lived. I look at her, her hands tired, I think she has to be ready because her husband may be. But as I look around the house, it’s well lived, it’s home. Photos of every family member, some I don’t even know. Maybe she isn’t ready, maybe she’s willing to keep fighting.

love me… olisa rachele
a woman changing for the better